The right decision.

I decided, after totally breaking down on Sunday, physically, emotionally and Spiritually, and after getting myself to a very thoughtful and caring doctor at the clinic where my doctor is, I needed to make a change.  I cannot live under this cloak of fear and anxiety and worry anymore.  It is making me sick.  It is making me grumpy. It is stealing my joy and my peace.  It is stealing me. 

 

 I decided to go on medication to help me cope with this without it consuming me and controlling my life. I am still sick with this virus ( the sinus infection was causing my tooth to hurt, it is not infected but it does need to come out, once I feel better I will get that and two wisdom teeth out, so I am asleep when they do it), and really just could not cope with everything. 

I don't sing anymore.  I rarely laugh out loud anymore. Not many people know I deal with an anxiety disorder ( which is now including a dose of depression too), because I can hide it very well. I write about it here, but in real life, people don't really know how bad this is.  I can't hide anymore.

I started medication on Sunday, and it takes a month to six weeks to work, and it is a rough go so far.  I am tired, so tired I can barely get out of bed.  I force myself up because I have a hubby to get off to work,  children to look after, chickens to be fed, dogs to be let out, etc... I feel queasy, zero appetite,  I feel shaky and I feel uncertain that I am ever going to feel like me again.  Or even human again.  The anxiety is still there, lurking underneath.

 

(By the way...this guy was very stupid and is lucky he did not get washed into the sea...do not ever do this!)

But through all of this, I am so thankful God walks this walk with me, I don't walk it alone.  He is gentle and understanding, even when I have felt He is far away.  I wish I did not have to take meds, but I believe that God has been nudging me more and more that there is something out of whack in my body ( serotonin) and it has been since I was little.  My mom, brother, and grandmother have all been anxious people.

 

 

My original title for this post had a question mark behind it.  I have to keep reminding myself this IS the right decision, at least for a time, to give my mind a rest, and to rest more in God, and physically as well. Staying up late and getting up early just doesn't work well for this girl!  I need to let some things go and grab on to others, and that has to start now! For now, I need to keep moving forward a day at a time, and put my hope and trust in God who is unfailing in His love, even when sometimes, we don't always feel it or recognize it.

Friday Letters

Dear Week that Was......It sucked!!!  I have been sick all week, two doctor appointments, antibiotics and incredible brain fog that will not leave, and now, a tooth infection possibly. 

 

Dear Dentist....I have to come see you on Monday.  I am terrified.  You are very encouraging and great, but I am so scared I cannot eat or sleep and have nightmares.  Everyone think I am stupid and a big wimp.  I paid a lot of money to have a root canal done on this tooth, it was fixed and now it seems like it has gone south.  Now it will be time for this tooth to go.  Plus as you keep reminding me, all 4 wisdom teeth.  I can't write about this anymore.

 

Dear  Generalized Anxiety Disorder....You are back again.  Only bigger and with more side effects.  No one here seems to understand this.  God does not want me to be this afraid.  And here I am again. Disappointing Him and me. I am His child, I should not be afraid.  To the point where leaving the house is hard. And I wake up in the morning crying, and can't eat or focus.   I can't take this much longer.  Maybe it is just bad because I am hormonal, plus sick and exhausted. I am scared of everything.  Including taking this antibiotic in case I get any stomach side effects, which makes me even more crazy.  I can encourage others with anxiety issues, but I cannot lift myself up.  That is pretty stupid!

 

Dear Search Engine I will not name but starts with G and sounds like Woogle ( what is a woogle?)..... I am not longer allowed to search for side effects or symptoms.  Period.  When I do, that makes me even worse.  HAPPY THOUGHTS, I need happy thoughts!

 

Dear Chickens.... Are you going to lay eggs sometime?  Because if not, you might have to sleep with the chickens in the freezer! 

 

Trying to think happy thoughts, trying to stay focused on God.....not doing great.  Faith like a mustard seed, I can do that can't I?

 

To read other letters, guaranteed to be more uplifting than this one is today, please visit PAULA'S BLOG.  

Back from a blogging break with my daybook for Monday, September 21, 2015

 

For Today... Monday, September 21

 

I didn't expect to take such a long break, but we had so much going on here, and a visit from Mike's parents, and I really missed blogging, and it is good to start back again!

 

Hey!  Remember me?  I got new glasses in July!  They are PURPLE and WHITE and a definite change for me.  It took me a few weeks to adjust to them....but the great news is....I do not need progressives!

 

Outside my window... Bright sunshine and a cool 13 degrees Celsius. Perfect for hanging the laundry, providing I have the energy with this crummy cold virus.  I have my warm winter quilts on the line today, I think I will put them on my bed this week.
 

 

A couple of my winter quilts.

 

I am thinking... That as nice as it is to have company, especially family, visit, it is also nice to have your home and routine back to normal.  Whatever normal is!

 

Mike's mum does not like having her photo taken...this is the only one I could sneak!

 

Mike's Dad with my son in law Robert, they were damming up a river at the beach.

 

I am thankful... A few things I am thankful for, one I cannot say anything about yet, but stay tuned!  I am thankful that the visit with Mike's parents was better than I thought.  It had several tense moments, in which I really had to bite my tongue, and leave the room. I took anxiety meds the whole time to keep me from panicking.  The weather was dreadful most of the week they were here, that made things tough.  My father in law was quite sick with this cold which was also tough.  Thankfully my dh was off work, and really helped out a lot, and I got some time to myself in the chicken coop.  I am thankful to friends who prayed me through this visit, because the tense moments were really awkward and frustrating.

 

I am thankful for a visit from my very best friend!

 

 

 

This poor guy had all 4 wisdom teeth out, and has had a rough recovery, I am so thankful it is done and he is on the mend!

 

 

 

I am thankful my grandson loves to paint.  I am thankful we got all the glitter out of the bathtub....

 

I am wearing... Denim capris, a long black jersey knit long sleeved sweater, and socks with the Birkenstocks today!

I am creating... Some wintery projects and some things on the go for a friend in the U.S.

 

Oh now isn't this a revealing photo of one of the creations I made?? 

 

 

 

I bought a solid copper pot rack for $2.00 at a yard sale. My mother in law helped me set it up, and I have tweaked it since, but it is very handy!  I hope it doesn't look too cluttered though.

 

I am going... I might possibly crawl out to the library today, as I am running out of books!  Mind you I have lots here to read.  I have a doctor appointment tomorrow, which is a good thing to get this cold checked out.  I also need to organize some of the treasures my dh and I picked up while we were out antiquing the other day in the Valley. I think sleep might be a good thing to try for as well, I am not sleeping well at all.

 

I have to clean the chicken coop if I can get the energy to do so today.  Lady Violet is not happy with me here.  We have not had any eggs yet, |I really hope to get some before winter!

 

I am wondering... About what to do about a decision regarding church.  We are not sure about staying at the one we currently attend. I just feel like I don't fit, and I know my family is starting to feel the same way.  Due to scheduling we don't get to all the events, small groups etc.  I am really conflicted about this.

I am reading... PURELY PRIMITIVE DOLLS by Barb Moore.  I make rag dolls and found this book very interesting in terms of using new techniques and making my own patterns.  It is well written and the instructions are clear.  But most of the dolls are extreme prim and a bit scary to be honest!  I do like some extreme prim dolls, but there are some that are just more suited for a horror movie, in all honesty!

 

 

I am hoping... I sure hope and pray this awful cold virus I caught from my father in law goes away soon.  It has been a long time since I had a cold this bad, I feel terrible!

 

My bedside table looks like a war zone, as I deal with this cold, what a mess!!  I am limited to what I can take due to anxiety meds, and I find most stuff doesn't work anyway.  But essential oils are helping!

 

 

 

A tired Ebony cuddled up with me on the sofa to help me feel better!

 

 

I am learning... That once you start working out, it really is awful when you need to take a break or don't have time to do it.  I feel so much better when I can fit in some exercise!

 

A walk on the beach will do nicely!  This is Hirtle's Beach, about an hour and a half from here.

 

 

A great walking and running buddy!

 

 

I just love this beach, it is a great long walk!

 

 

Imagine the views from this perch atop the cliff!

 

In my garden... Things are winding down and all that is left to pick are the carrots and a couple of cucumbers.  I am not sure how the carrots are, as I didn't thin them this summer, but at least I have lots of tasty greens for the chickens.  The sunflowers are blooming and stretching their heads to the sunshine.  There are huge spiders lurking everywhere!  And the crickets are driving me crazy.  I look forward to when they quiet down again!

 

 

Happy sunflowers.

 

 

 

Glowing morning glories!

 

The last of the sweet peas.

 

 

 

Beautiful fragrant rose.

 

Acidanthera, oh they smell so nice.

 

 

Agriope spider...common black and yellow garden spider.  GROSS, but pretty!

 

 

 

In my kitchen... I need to make some cookies and muffins but I have zero gumption to do so, but we need some food in this house!  My dh and son made me chicken noodle soup last night, out of their own imagination and although I could barely taste it, it was very good!

 

In the homeschool room... We have not started back yet!  My goodness, I am not usually this late, but with Mike's parents here, and lots of day trips, we have been doing plenty of real life learning.  Devin was given a metal detector as an early Christmas gift, he has been having a blast discovering things at a few beaches we have gone to, and dug up quite a few things in our own yard.  I am holding out hope that he will find gold!

 

A favorite quote for today...

 

 

I really, REALLY need to remember this!  Instead of being afraid of everything.

A peek into one of my days...

 

Huge barn full of antiques at outrageous prices.  I bought a graniteware scoop at one other antique shop for $12.00.  The same one in here was $39.00.  I would not buy anything here, but it is interesting.

 

 

I would love to peek in this old cottage!

 

 

From the window of the barn.

 

 

Four and a half levels of interesting, weird and sometimes odd stuff, which I do not think they want to part with.

 

One of my favorite things... The Autumn season.  To me, it is the prettiest and nicest season in Nova Scotia!  Pumpkins, cozy sweaters, changing colours, wood smoke, cooler and less humid weather, and making apple pies....just a few of the things I love about Fall.

 

LOVE this antique shop, mostly primitives and such...I got some good deals in here!

 

 

 

A photo from the Valley last Fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

From the board room... I think these are GREAT ideas for Fall decorating!  of course, I always seem to get my house decorated just two days before it is time to decorate for Christmas....
 

 

 

Photo credit HERE.

 

Post Script...  I like THIS WEBSITE, and it has some great printables, as well as amazing craft ideas, including THIS one to make stuffed pumpkins to decorate your house for fall!

 

 

I love my little grandbaby!

 

 

Whew!  Photo heavy today, since I have not posted in a while!  I hope you enjoyed your visit here today!  Please stop by THE SIMPLE WOMAN'S BLOG, to read more Daybooks!

 

 

 

 

Taking a bit of a siesta!

Or....maybe not, perhaps I will get a moment to blog this week, I really miss it, and have not had much time to pop round and comment on blogs (I have read many, and pray for many each day!)  Things in my neck of the woods are stressful.  I am not handling the stress well, and am not getting enough rest.  My best bud is coming to visit for a couple of days ( YAY!!!), followed by my in laws ( stress) and Jeremy gets his wisdom teeth out on September 8th.  My house is a mess.  Piles on piles.  And we have a mouse issue.  Anxiety is flaring up and rearing its ugly head, and most disappointing for me is that I have shifted God into the back seat and am sure I have let Him down HUGELY.  I slog on, but slogging is not what we are meant to do!  I am mad at myself and feel like a huge let down.  I can't meet the standards I set for myself, it is impossible. 

Anyway...enough of the pity party!  This is just an update as to what is going on.  I have so much I want to write about and photos to post, but I need to get priorities straight first.  And that is God first!  Because I want Him to be, I want to be spending time with Him each day, and not shoving Him into a corner.

I hope you are all well out there in blog land!

The Simple Woman's Daybook for August 3rd

 

For Today... Monday, August 3rd (WHAT, already??)  I am adding photos from our day trip to Mahone Bay throughout this post.

 

 

 

I love geraniums!  So cheerful and happy!

 

 

We like colourful houses in Nova Scotia and the Maritimes!

Outside my window... It is bright and sunny with a cloudless sky this morning!  It is supposed to be very hot today, and thankfully there is a bit of a breeze to keep things a bit cool.

 

 

 

Queensland Beach in Hubbards, a nice stop on the way home to cool off.  Lots of seaweed though, my hubby's pockets were full of it, lol!

 

 

They caught some crabs and we kept them in a bucket until we went home.  Thankfully there were no jellyfish, we have a lot of those this year ( lion's mane which have very painful stings, and moonjellies).

 

 

Oh a Ferrari showed up for a drive by!  Thomas Magnum was not in it though! 

I am thinking... This summer is going way too fast!  And so is time....my youngest is turning 13 in a couple of weeks.  And you know, it bothers me!! I have adjusted now to the fact that he does not want to play at playgrounds.  That he no longer plays with toys much aside from his cars and LEGO.  But I am having a hard time not having him hold my hand when we are out.  He is a snuggly guy and thankfully, when we are home, he still likes to cuddle!  I am also thinking of my niece, Alora, who turns 13 today!!  My gosh, it feels like were just bringing them home all wrapped up in little bundles!

 

 

 

This is me with my niece, Alora, 3 years ago at my daughter's wedding. I look so tired - I was!!!  This was the morning after the wedding, we all stayed at the camp where the wedding was held.  Aly was still dressing up in the clothes and wig we had set out for the photo booth!

I am thankful... I am so thankful that a tiny 5 month old wee baby girl does not have liver cancer, like the doctors told her parents she did.  She had an ultrasound for other issues, and thought they saw cancer on her liver, and of course, told the parents this.  It is not cancer, and it is not serious!  Thank You God!!! 

 

I am wearing... A denim mini skirt and black tank top.

 

 

 

 

We stopped and looked at a family selling all sorts of sea related items!  They were all a bit pricey.  But my gosh, I love those huge glass floats!

 

 

Buoys, life rings, floats, all sorts of things!

 

 

I was too scared to ask how much this was!

 

 

Floats and more floats!

 

I am creating... I am finishing a hat I have been knitting on the round loom, creating some dog toys and working on some stitchery ideas.  I am also framing some prints for my craft room.  I also need to rearrange my sidebar and add and remove links and such.

I am going... To take our new puppy to get spayed on Wednesday ( a little nervous about that - and how to keep her calm with our other dog after!), to be spending time with my daughter and grandson this week, they have been away, to tidy this mess of a house!  We are hoping to take a drive over to a place called Eastern Passage today so my hubby can get some video for my son on his GoPro for his vlog.

 

 

Wow, has she grown!  I can't hold her like this now!

 

 

I am wondering... What is going to transpire now that a national election has been called.  I know who I DON'T want in, and I pray they do NOT get elected!

 

 

 

Some cute homes in Lunenburg.

 

I am reading... Dogster magazine.  Lots of great ideas in there for training your dog and for making treats and toys!  I love reading magazines, they are short and to the point!

 

I am hoping... That my hubby's tests come back okay.  Most of his issues are from being tired, but he has had some other health issues that are a bit frustrating more than anything ( he has the all clear so far for anything very serious).  I am hoping to discipline myself to get us ALL more rest.  Once I catch that second wind after 8:00 PM, I can be up for hours.

 

 

Devin loves to collect sea glass at the harbour in Lunenburg, but it is all very sharp and not smooth and worn.  But there is a mountain of it!!  The tide had just gone out, so we picked the perfect time!

 

Sharp, but pretty!

 

 

Can you see all the sea glass?  Devin found the bottom half of a really, really old bottle, it was black glass and likely from the 1700 to 1800's. 

 

A squid had washed up, and even though it was dead, it was still changing colours!  When they are alive, they are a reddish brown colour.

 

I am learning... That nothing can replace the presence of God in my life. Trying to fill that God shaped hole in my heart with anything else does not work, and the striving to do so only makes me tired, anxious and depressed. Busyness and time online has to slow down.

 

 

In my garden... I just dug out new potatoes and will likely dig all the plants today, if I leave them too long, they split and go all funky inside.  I grew red and purple, and they are yummy roasted!  My snowball hydrangea is just starting to flower!  And there are tiny apples on my apple tree.

 

 

 

This is the mesclun lettuce I grew, and it took AGES to clean!  Slugs also seem to love this stuff, blech!

 

 

Yay, red and purple potatoes!  They were sweet and yummy!  My plants are very strange this year, they have not flowered yet and look like they missed that stage totally.

 

 

In my kitchen... I need to bake some sweet potato treats for my dogs, and am hoping to get some baking done, but it is so hot.  I made a roast last night in the crock pot, so tonight I will likely make some quesadillas.  The peaches are starting to come in from Ontario, they won't be ready locally for a while yet, and I am so happy about that!  Raspberries are ready too, and I can pick the wild blueberries in our backyard.

 

A favorite quote for today...

 

 

A peek into one of my days... On Saturday, we drove to Mahone Bay and Lunenburg, we love it there.  it is about an hour drive away.

 

 

One of my favourite antique shops, The Eclectic Garage.  And eclectic it is! 

 

 

I managed to sneak some photos!

 

 

Love this old lantern!

 

Cute little wheelbarrows, and see that big wooden tub beside them on the left?  one of those flowed me home last year, it is a trawling bucket and I keep my outdoor hats, clothes etc in it.

 

 

 

 

We had a picnic in a gazebo near the harbour, I snagged this old picnic basket at a sale last year, complete with old dishes!  It is actually quite tiny, the perfect size to tag along on a trip.

 

 

 

We usually stop at a local grocery store and have bread and cheese, pop and chocolate chip cookies.

One of my favorite things... Arranging and rearranging my home over and over again.  It drives my family totally crazy, but I really enjoy shuffling things around and making things more organized and homey.

From the board room... I would SO like to try this ( or should that be SEW?) But I have never shirred anything before!  That sounds intimidating.  These could be very inexpensive to make.  The Shirt Skirt .

 

 

(Photo source HERE)

 

Post Script... This is one of my favourite shops EVER.  I love bath goodies, and lotions and am so thankful I love close enough to visit this beautiful shop.  You will not believe her creations!  I was not allowed to take photos inside anymore, but I did a blog post about this shop before...I will see if I can find it.  My favourites are the marshmallow dream cream ( flower storm is a new fragrance), her soaps are amazing, and buttercream triple whip in sandalwood and vanilla.  I just bought some soy wax melts to try in my burner, in Mahone Bay Mermaid scent.  Uhm, I have never smelled a mermaid before, but if they smell like this, I am impressed!

 

 

Bath heaven!!

 

 

Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog!  Please visit PEGGY'S blog to read more Daybooks!

 

I am taking a couple of weeks off from the Daybook, but still blogging during the week, when I get time. See what I am learning above!