The only bright spot

The sky is still a faint line of blue on the horizon and it is 6:30 PM!  And that is the only bright spot I can see.  I am really struggling with panic and anxiety right now.  Every part of me is aching, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't want to go anywhere. I hate taking Ativan because it makes me so spacey.  I feel empty aside from overwhelming fear that is gripping every part of me.  My poor darling husband is working constantly right now, I rely on him too much to help me through these episodes.  I don't rely enough on the One who can free me from this, if I would only let Him.  I feel like the world is a very dark place right now.  I spent the day doing school planning, but I am second guessing myself if I will even be able to do it.  I have two reluctant learners in this house, and one other who needs to be finishing things off, but has been working full time, so that experience is good.  If I could just motivate these two boys, it would be so helpful,  but maybe it is me who needs to be motivated.  Maybe a dose of spring is in order. I love home schooling, but right now, it jsut seems, well, hard.

Right now I feel like I will never feel better again.  I hate this.  I just want to be me again and be free. Yet, I know the answer is right at my fingertips, and that is clinging to God's hand and giving it all to Him.  Why does something that is really so easy, have to be so hard??

On the wings of an eagle

We were fortunate enough this year to be able to travel up to a small village (well, actually, I am not sure if it is a village, it is more of a "blink - and - you'll - miss - it" kind of place) called Sheffield Mills to watch the bald eagles congregate and be fed.  This event takes place each winter, and attracts eagles ( and people!) from all over Nova Scotia.  Being close to one eagle is amazing, but  close to over 70 of them...is breath taking!

We arrived and there were many eagles in the trees.  We had missed the first two feedings, so we weren't really sure what to expect.  We had missed the feedings the last time we went a few years ago, and didn't see much of anything.

Today was our lucky day!  Along came the farmer with another meal of delectable, fresh, crunchy chicken carcasses.  He drove up in a van..I hope it didn't belong to his wife, what a not so pleasant surprise THAT would be, feathers and, well, chicken parts everywhere!

We parked on a nearby sideroad and saw these eagle buddies chowing down on some chicken.



Here are just a few congregating and waiting for bits of chicken. We saw some really grumpy, hungry eagles fighting for their share. We had left to go and search out another spot, which didn't exist as per the map directions, and so we missed the best action.

Lots of other eagle lovers!

A group of eagles is a parliament of eagles, sounds pretty official and special doesn't it?  I bet these eagles do more than many of the people who actually serve in our Canadian parliament...

Devin got a bit bored with just watching eagles in the trees, he was VERY excited to see them having lunch!  This was in a very brief moment of sunshine that passed our way.

That poor chicken!

Eagle take out...he swooped in and whisked this chicken off into the trees, where most adult eagles prefer to eat.

Majestic! 

Staring contest ( he won)

Juvenile bald eagle.  They are enormous and much larger than the adults!

 Here is more information on this annual event.  Thanks to my daughter Robyn for letting me use some of her photos taken with her new camera!



Recontemplating! I made up my own word!

I wanted to say ( and have for several days!) thank you for the words of encouragement and advice on my last post.  This week has been difficult, on various levels. My anxiety levels have been through the roof at times. And sometimes the to do list seems so long and overwhelming.  Blogging is something I have enjoyed doing for me, not to impress people or get followers, but just because I enjoy writing and recording memories.  Lately, it has become one of the things I want to do, but don't take the time for, and I have a lot I went to share and write.  Which then overwhelms me, and trust me, that doesn't take much!

So...I am going to keep on keeping on, purely because I enjoy it.  I would very much like to write more on my struggle with panic and anxiety, in hopes it will encourage and help someone else, and yes, also for those times "I" need more support and encouragement.  We are all here to lift each other up, and should do so!  I know my dh loves it when I write something here, and when I add photos of our house, he finds it helpful, since I move the stuff around in here so much, he can come and see where I have stuffed things and tweaked things and see the before and after.  He sort of gets a preview before he comes home from work!

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me, adn for giving me some thing to think about.  I may not post every day, but I have a new attitude about it, and look forward to sharing more!

Contemplating

I am contemplating closing this blog.  I have had several rough days of dealing with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and several issues with fighting and arguments in our family.  I don't feel I have anything mind boggling or exciting to share or say, because right now I am feeling really sad and depressed, of course those are things that are not from God, and I shouldn't be, but there it is.  Perhaps I could write about it here, but perhaps I also need to be more in the real world and not on here.  It seems like the only thing this blog is good for is attracting spammers. I seem to be blocking those a lot! I am not out to get the most followers though I sure appreciate those who do follow me, thanks!  Sure, I can easily pretend I am happy and the world is alive with flowers and chirping birds, and who would ever know?  But I am a person who is transparent and wears her heart on her sleeve, and am not phony.  I am happy, but tremendously sad at the same time.  If that makes sense.  Wearing your heart on your sleeve means it gets brushed off a few times, and you would think I would be tougher from it, but I am not. Each day is a fight for me to stay on top of the feelings that would otherwise pull me down into the muck and mire.  Today's fight wasn't strong enough, and getting back up is hard.  The truth is I am tired, right to the core.  I need some rest and some sunshine.  I need peace and to know I am on the right track. So far, I feel empty, I feel alone, I feel disorganized, and overwhelmed.  Yet all I need to do is reach out to Jesus and He will set my feet upon a rock and stand with me.  I have been praying about this blog.  I just never seem to be able to get time to blog regularly.  Sometimes I find it is a thing I "have" to do, when it is supposed to be something that I enjoy.  And I do enjoy it, perhaps I am putting the pressure on myself. 
Sigh...I guess I will wait and see what God directs me to do.