A peek into a journal page.

 

These are the words I write in my journal this morning.  Just a few that I snuck into a corner of the page I created.  I tucked them out of the way where they wouldn't sprawl all over the page, so that I would not look weak, and tired and crazy.  Before writing this, I lay in bed after my husband went to work and thought about how nice it would be to stay tucked under the covers, and not peek my nose out all day.

 

I forced myself out from under the quilts and pillows, and swung my legs out and put my feet on the cold floor.  The morning light comes a bit later just now, and the sky was that glowing blue hue, the trees covered in white, fluffy snow.  I stood peering out and felt that all too familiar feeling of doom billowing up. Here I am, looking at this wonderful creation from God's hands, and I felt fear and anxiety.  My heart started beating faster, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I wondered how I would get my son to work, how I would entertain a friend today, how I would get through the day at all.

 

I sort of walked around aimlessly lost for a bit, wondering what to do. I knew what to do, and this time I turned against all the negative thoughts in my head and did the right thing, sat and took a deep breath and spent time with my Lord.

 

I have two different books I am reading, devotionals actually, both short and to the point.  I am also working my way on reading through Psalms, and write out a verse ( or two) from each chapter that I think are special.  Today, each book seemed to say a variation of the same thing.

 

I started with my little confession of the anxiety that was seeping though the cracks and threatening to boil over.  ( See above)

 

Then came this Bible verse..

 

 

 

I imagined sitting under a big pine tree, its wide and thick branches sheltering me from the sun, providing cool shade, a place of refuge.  Isn't God exactly like that??  He truly is!  He truly cares for me, even when I feel that no one understands this anxiety, He does, and He promises to walk through it with me.  And to be my refuge.  He answers my prayers to get through each minute, and sticks around to push the negative thoughts out and to replace them with good thoughts, with His truth.

 

 

 

This was my reading in Psalms today.  A refuge, like the big pine tree. A place of safety, a place where I can go, where I am safe to be me and don't have to pretend to be anyone else. With His promise to not abandon me.  To not abandon anyone who comes to Him.

 

 

I still had trouble getting through the day. In fact, sitting here writing this, I have had waves of fear washing over me.  But I left this page open to remind myself to take shelter under God's mighty arms, to remind me that these feelings are real, and bothersome, but God is stronger. He is my shelter, My refuge, and My peace.  This is a big deal to me, this is how my life has been for as long as I can remember, though worse the past couple of years.  This is also a big deal to God, who won't turn away or abandon me. 

 

 

If you suffer from anxiety, don't walk through it alone, hiding in the corners.  Look to God who promises to never abandon us.  Talk about it, and don't carry it yourself.  I hope to encourage others, even though some days, I feel like I can barely breathe and get through myself.  If you need prayer for anxiety or depression, please comment below. I would be honoured to pray for you!