The sky is still a faint line of blue on the horizon and it is 6:30 PM! And that is the only bright spot I can see. I am really struggling with panic and anxiety right now. Every part of me is aching, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't want to go anywhere. I hate taking Ativan because it makes me so spacey. I feel empty aside from overwhelming fear that is gripping every part of me. My poor darling husband is working constantly right now, I rely on him too much to help me through these episodes. I don't rely enough on the One who can free me from this, if I would only let Him. I feel like the world is a very dark place right now. I spent the day doing school planning, but I am second guessing myself if I will even be able to do it. I have two reluctant learners in this house, and one other who needs to be finishing things off, but has been working full time, so that experience is good. If I could just motivate these two boys, it would be so helpful, but maybe it is me who needs to be motivated. Maybe a dose of spring is in order. I love home schooling, but right now, it jsut seems, well, hard.
Right now I feel like I will never feel better again. I hate this. I just want to be me again and be free. Yet, I know the answer is right at my fingertips, and that is clinging to God's hand and giving it all to Him. Why does something that is really so easy, have to be so hard??
Hello Ellie, earlier today I wrote to Country Blossoms........I subscribed and so your email came to my email. My granddaughters name is Ellie so out of curiosity I clicked. I read your first post and then your second. Being from Alaska I loved the bald eagle........having gone through a time like you I ached for you. I want you to know that I am going to pray asking for God in His mercy to free you. I am so sorry that you are going through this time. He has not left you.......He will bring you through........He does Love you very much. I trust that you will be free......stay in the word the best that you can. Ask your husband to read to you if you can't. Get friends to pray.......and praise the best you can.........I would leave my hands open in front of me and tell Him that I would trust HIm with my life. Hard to do.....but it was important for me. I love Isaiah 61. Another that is my favorite is Isaiah 45:3 I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. When I read this for the first time I wept. He was going to use my suffering.......for His Glory. He will use yours.
ReplyDeleteI believe it was a God thing when I stumbled to your blog. He is so precious to send the body of Christ to encourage us on!
Blessings to you and your precious family, in Christ name,
Linda
P.S. My Honey also took authority over the enemy in Jesus name and prayed fervently on my behalf.
Write me anytime.
prairieflowerfarm@gamil.com
I'm still very glad you are posting - even these struggles. I will continue praying that you will break free!
ReplyDeleteOh, how I wish I had some answers for you. Going through my own pitfall right now, and asking myself that same question...but not really believing for an answer. Still...God is working...
ReplyDeleteI remember thinking the same thing, that I would never feel well again and just wanted to be set free. I was on Ativan for years but it never helped me...finally found another doctor who seemed to really care and he put me on Effexor XR (Venlafaxine) two years ago and I've never looked back. It's amazing the difference it's made and I can now live again:-) Tell your doctor the Ativan is not working. Panic/anxiety is caused by a chemical imbalance and if you don't get the right meds for it, it's very hard to overcome. So wish I lived nearby, I could help you through this, having been through it myself. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHi Ellie, my heart goes out to you. It is so hard to believe when things are dark but He is with you every emotional step of the way. I remember a long time ago when Dr. Dobson said that we can't trust our feelings. That knowledge has brought me though so many dark and testy times. The music from Anne of Green Gables is playing. I love that music and those books and movies! Remember how Anne would be in the depts of dispare and eventually things would turn around. I don't believe you will be stuck here forever. Every moment we are here on earth God has a purpose for and He will reward your faithfulness! His character is so pure and great and His love so deep and wide. He loves you with an everlasting love. One day He will wipe away every tear. Heaven will be glorious but today is the forerunner for glories to come. Today yes is the battle. When tempted to think your unimportant you just kick Satan in the teeth by remembering the Lover of your soul our faithful Father, Friend, Provider, he valued you enough to give His son. I will be praying for you! The beauty of your blog and the uplifting music has touched my heart. You are definately a precious woman of God!
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