Why do I always do this?

Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy.  I am not very forgiving of myself, and I am very hard on myself.  Today has been a bit of a challenge.

First, I didn't sleep well, I was restless and kept having crazy dreams.  I woke up around 4:00 AM and could not get back to sleep.  I got up and checked my Facebook, and messages.  There was a terrible one, a dear friend of ours had passed away early this morning. The most incredible, dear loving man. He was 85, but he died quite suddenly.  We have not seen him for many years, but spent quite a bit of time with his family in the past, and he and his wife were always on our minds. 

I came back to bed, sobbing, and cried myself back to sleep.  Only to have more weird dreams for the next 3 hours.  Once I woke up, I was really out of it, and felt like this had all been a bad dream, but it was not.

I realized I forgot to take my anxiety meds when I went to bed, I take a half dose of Ativan, which I am working on weaning down.  It keeps my dreams down and helps me not be so crazy anxious when I wake up. I was pretty upset that I was in such a state after missing this tiny dose.

Mike had the day off today, as the septic was going to be checked out.  They didn't come this morning.  They came very late in the afternoon, just before Mike was taking the kids to a hockey game.  ( Paula....this is what I mean by the attitude here...no phone calls to say they were going to be late, nothing)

Well.  Let me tell you once they got here everything went crazy.  Our septic is backed up.  To the top of the tank.  I have two boys who like to use a lot of toilet paper, it was flowing out into the pipe.  And this whole problem is because of the run off coming down the slope from the 5 houses above us.  The interceptor drain needs to be dug deeper, to keep the water off the septic field. The repair men do not believe the field has failed, it just needs to dry up again, there was so much snow and ice this year.  Until that time.... we are getting the tank pumped tomorrow, but it will likely fill with water run off within 4 days.  We are not supposed to flush toilet paper.  We are not to have much water go down the drain at all.  Currently, we are draining the bathtub by removing the water by hand in buckets and dumping it outside ( how great this would be for our garden!), we are washing the dishes in antique enamel basins ( so glad I collect those!) and washing clothes at my daughter's house.  Oh...we all share the same bathwater, at least I get to go first!  It is like Little House on the Prairie!

We were told that if the field had failed, it would be $30,000.00 to replace, as it would all have to be re dug in a new spot, more sand, gravel, piping, soil, etc brought in.....  To get the tank pumped and inspected ( they put a camera in, and everything is in good shape - aside from the toilet paper in the pipe, which they want $2000.00 to clean out........) came to almost $800.00!!

While they were out dealing with all this, I went downstairs and opened the bathroom door and the floor was covered in water from the toilet overflowing.  The smell was not great.  I cleaned it up, and then washed it in bleach and then once that had dried, with hot water, tea tree and peppermint essential oil.  it is slightly more bearable now.

The tank they said they could pump out in an hour....will now be tomorrow, or Thursday...or whenever....(Maritime time!)

After that, I took the dogs out. We are dog sitting for two weeks, and we just love Bree!  She must stay on leash, but I let our dog off leash.  And she took off down into the forest, and I could not go after her as the snow is too deep and icy.

Well, I came in with Bree and just decided Mixie could get back on her own.  Although I was worried.  Mike had just left with the boys to go to the hockey game.  He got a hysterical call from me, and came back home.  While I waited, I called my daughter and cried, and yelled, and whined and complained.  Loudly. 

I was so overwhelmed.  The dog running off was the icing on the cake.  ( She did get back safely, my dh called her on our trail, and there she was...whew!) I was so caught up in the what if's, the why's, the how are we going to handle this, that I totally forgot who is in charge.  God has this in His hand.  I am even more ashamed of my attitude because  even with these issues, I still have it so much better than others.  Like the homeless, the starving, the persecuted, the people who have nothing....  I feel pretty selfish. 

But no, I am too silly to see this.  Panic first, despite telling myself over and over that God is taking care if it.  Reading Scripture and being encouraged and lifted up and shown God's grace, and then blowing it all out of the water by being stupid.

I have been so fortunate, as now that I look back on how stupid I was, I can see God's hands in this.  First of all, the friends we are dog sitting for are away for two weeks, and they don't mind if we use their shower, or washing machine, or bathroom.  My daughter lets me take the laundry to her place, which is just around the corner from where my son works.  I can drop off in the morning and get it in the afternoon. And I get to see my grandson and spend time with my daughter!  My hubby is off for two days to help with this ( though he slipped on ice again tonight and re injured his back...again).  And today on our way home.....we had a bald eagle fly right in front of us and land in a tree where he sat and contemplated a duck dinner!  We watched him for 5 minutes before he flew off.  I didn't get any photos, I was recording it on my son's video camera and forgot about mine!  GRRR!  Seeing a bald eagle always reminds me of God's power and strength and how He wants us to soar.  But only if we soar with Him! 

I was fairly humiliated after I realized how foolish I had been and how ungrateful I was.   I am very disappointed in myself also.  I had gotten my head around to NOT worrying about this particular circumstance,  and here I worried and freaked out anyway.  But slowly, as I calmed down, God did bring to mind how He is taking care of this situation and I am so thankful for that.  It would be nice if I just didn't get overpowered by situations that tend to paralyze me from moving forward, and just waited on God, like God tells us too.